Check this out:
These guys look really sweet and innocent, no? Ha! Sweet, sometimes. Innocent? Pretty much never. Here’s what it’s like in my world -
March 13 – I HAVE SPRING FEVER! I can’t take this anymore. I have to start my gardening and yard cleanup. Go to Lowe’s, buy top soil to fill in the craters I have discovered. I don’t remember how many bags I purchased, but I know it will be one of many non-stop trips throughout the season. Good thing Lowe’s is 1/2 mile from my house. I’m sure the people in the garden center, who see me often, wonder what the hell I am doing with all this dirt. I have to be their best dirt customer.
March 21 – It’s snowing AGAIN. $%)*^%!!!!! I notice a pool of blood on top of the snow, five dove feathers and a bunch of grain from it’s craw. Poor dove. Who murders a sweet, innocent dove??? How rude.
March 26 – our FINAL snow of the year is over and melted. Clean up the yard. Trip to Lowe’s to buy 6 more 40# bags of top soil to fill in Lucy/Boris potholes AGAIN.. someone has dug up all the fescue I had sprouting in the previously fenced-off portions of grass which remained safe all winter. Bastards.
April 2 -Good Friday. Not so good – another trip to Lowe’s to purchase 4 – 6 more bags of top soil. New holes have appeared in ADDITION to the original holes which I thought I had filled in. WHERE DOES ALL THIS DIRT GO? I know it doesn’t evaporate.
April 16 – recovering from my second week with strep throat and bronchitis. Not much energy for yard work. I can barely muster the energy to mow my yard. Screw the holes. I don’t care.
April 24. I’m still not over this junk I contracted. I am on my second round of steroids in addition to antibiotics. Yardwork? Yeah, right.
May 8 – I am on my THIRD round of antibiotics and yet another steroid pack. Irritable? Who me? Never. LOL. Sick or not, I have no time to rest. Off to Lowe’s I go to buy 6 more bags of dirt. OH YEAH. I fill in 10 potholes in my back yard. GRRRRRRRR…………
May 11 – I peek outside the back door after dark to discover Lucy gingerly digging UNDER the wire I have placed over my repair job. She appears to be eating the dirt. WTH?????
May 14- I am FINALLY well. Yipee! I take a nice, relaxing trip to the countryside in Iowa to visit my cousins. NO DOGS. Double- Yipee!
May 17 – I am home in one piece. I think my time-released muscle relaxers are making me doze off periodically. Not a good drive. I’m lucky I didn’t have a head-on collision with a semi on I-35. EEK. NO time to assess yard damage. I’m tired.
May 22 – OMG, someone has left me a present on the back porch. A dead female downy woodpecker. Thank you! Just what I wanted.
May 23 (a.m.) – Off to Lowe’s I go to buy 6 more bags of dirt. Six is the magic number. I fill in who knows how many tiny holes just big enough to potentially turn my ankle in plus four large areas I know I have filled in about nine times now. AND IT IS ONLY MAY.
May 23 (p.m.) – Mom and I go nursery shopping and I bring home more tomato plants to add to the five I have planted already (in pots on the patio). Last weekend Boris ran over my tomato plant that had sixteen blossoms on it while he was trying to play fetch with my dad. Goodbye tomatoes. Today I bring home four large tomato plants that already have tomatoes on them. Lucy picks one large green tomato off before I can even get them into the back yard. I AM SERIOUSLY CONSIDERING MURDER.
So, today I have worked my tail off in my yard from 7:30 a.m. until almost 10:00 p.m. I planted my new Magnolia tree to replace the one that just died. Lucy is eating the dirt, or the root fragments, or whatever out of the basin around the tree. No wonder she has a huge tumor hanging off her side. It’s probably a hernia full of dirt. Who knows. I have dug up two Elderberry bushes that seem to be anchored to the core of the earth. I make another trip to Lowe’s (they should give me a frequent flyer card!) to buy NINE MORE bags of dirt. I use four to fill in one of the craters from the largest Elderberry, two to fill in yet more holes that I just filled in this morning, and save the remainder for impending pothole maintenance. The former home of the largest Elderberry bush is where I plant my largest tomato plants, laden with tomatoes (that Lucy didn’t get to pick yet). I configure an elaborate barrier around the tomatoes made of the 3 foot tall garden fencing that I use around my flowerbeds, which doesn’t keep my lovelies out. They just jump over. Well, Boris does and Lucy will walk through when Boris happens to knock part of the fencing open. I am wondering at what time tomorrow will they jump in there, smashing my basil which is planted in front of the tomatoes, and pick my tomatoes. Maybe I can make the wager with Otis. If he wins the bet, I could let him outside. He is fascinated with trying to get out, but the last time I actually let him out in the yard he acted bewildered and didn’t know what to do with himself. Otis is not an outdoorsy kind of guy. He needs to lounge inside and just look pretty.
So, anyone who knows me knows how much I love my pets. And they also know how much I love my yard and that gardening is my hobby and that I have spent countless hours and thousands of dollars turning my yard into the haven I envisioned when I bought my house. This yard looked barren and depressing when I moved in. I have a neighbor who brings her company over to look at my gardens. What a compliment! I really don’t know what to do about Lucy and Boris. They have always dug a little, and I have purposely left them a large hole next to the garage where it is just shaded enough for them to dig in the cool dirt and take a nap in the shade. I also leave them a pool to lay in at their leisure in the summertime. This massive destructive behavior has really just come to a head. It’s getting worse all the time! Lucy is 12 and Boris is 8. Old dogs, new tricks? Maybe. Boredom? Who knows. They seemingly weren’t bored before, so why now? I don’t get it. People say to give them more attention, but I don’t want to when they act like this! I need Cesar Milan, the Dog Whisperer. Hey may be my only hope.
So, if anyone can get me in touch with Mr. Milan, you will be my best friend forever. Thank you!